Question and Answer with relationship expert Dr Dennis
Ok, so you’ve been on three dates together and you’re ready for something a little bit more, er, “mature”. How do you go about making that first move? This article will explore that important, terrifying step.
Men: unless you’re James Bond (by the way – you’re not!) she probably isn’t going to excuse herself and “slip into something more comfortable”. If she does, it’s probably going to be some flannel pajamas, slippers, and a bathrobe – a sign that she’s ready for you to leave!
Women expect that you know when to make your move. Further, they expect you to be sophisticated and smooth about it. Clumsy, boyish behavior doesn’t fit with her image of being “swept off her feet”, and you don’t really want this critical step to end in laughter!
First, let’s explore the rules for The First Move:
1) Women control the speed of the relationship – and the sex – not men.
2) Women know if they’ll sleep with you within 5 minutes of meeting you.
3) Even if a woman does go out with you, she won’t tell you if she plans to sleep with you or not!
4) Women will usually NOT make the first move.
5) If you don’t make the right move at the right time, the women will usually think you’re weak, an oaf, gay, or just not interested.
6) Women and men view sex differently – women use sex to bond and create intimacy, men use sex to decide if they want to get more intimate.
How to Make That “First Move” (for Men):
Because of the rules stated above, you have to be somewhat careful of when and where to make your move. You want this to appear spontaneous, and, with the right preparation – you can! These seem to go against each other – prepare to be spontaneous? Yes – remember the 7 “P’s”: “Prior, Proper Planning Prevents Piss-Poor Performance!”
Give some thought to your moves before using them. This will help to make them appear more comfortable and therefore spontaneous. So, with that introduction, here are the steps:
1) Be sure you’re ready – once you begin, you can’t go back!
Just like that move when you were in High School where you stretch and your arm “just happens” to wind up around your date’s shoulder. Also, do you have a condom? You don’t? Then forget it! Remember: “No glove – NO LOVE!”
2) Be reasonably sure she’s ready.
How do you know she’s ready? You can’t really be 100 percent sure, but you can get pretty close if you just pay attention. First, is she using the right body language? For example:
* Touching you both accidentally and on purpose
* Sitting or leaning against you
* Looking right into your eyes, examining your face – especially your mouth
* Leaning toward you as you speak?
* Using an “open posture” – arms uncrossed; legs open, or if crossed, not excluding you?
* Playing with her hair, exposing her palms and wrists to you?
Also, has she just told you she has an early-morning meeting, or has relatives staying at her place? She is probably telling you that this isn’t the right time. In short, be open to clues.
3) Make sure you’re in the right place.
Once you get things started, you don’t want to have to stop and drive somewhere else. Why not get there and then make your move – you’ll keep things from cooling off – and possibly a change of heart. Also, make sure that you’re in a private setting – even if you’re in the back seat of your car. Nothing spoils the mood like someone watching (well, unless you both are into that!)
4) Plan plenty of time
Having an appointment in 30 minutes isn’t going to create a romantic atmosphere. Be sure you have enough time to really spend getting you both ready.
5) Have a proper “build-up”
You don’t want to show up at her door, walk in and start putting on the moves. Poor form old buddy! Plan a simple, but romantic date. Don’t go to the movies or the theatre – you need time to talk and establish a connection.
6) Ready? Ok, let’s go
So, what’s the first thing you should do? Get your confidence up. Wait for a comfortable break in the conversation. Then, take her hands in yours, draw her close to you and gently kiss her on the lips. Don’t shove your tongue down her throat, and don’t kiss her like she’s your grandmother. Make it linger just a little too long, and give her a chance to respond. You might also want to offer a back or foot massage – these are almost impossible to resist!
7) When she’s ready to move, she’ll usually let you know
But, what if she doesn’t? Some women let you take charge when they’re ready. You can start by kissing her neck and gently nibbling on her lower lip. Brush your nose gently around hers. Explore her neck and face with yours. Run your hands around her back, then slowly to her ass. Note her reactions.
Don’t go for the “goodies” until you’ve spent some time earning them!
If you’re in a hurry to get her out of her clothes, she’ll assume that you’re just as fast at everything else. Let things build on their own – at their own pace. Let them move along slowly, don’t force them – or get in the way of them either!
How to Make That “First Move” (for Women):
Frankly, this is a lot easier for women. You probably already know what to do. Here’s a checklist:
1) Make sure you’re ready.
If you’re trying to seduce him just because you’re afraid of losing him, you’re not in the best place and should reconsider. Also, you should carry condoms on you. Remember – you both are responsible for preventing the spread of disease and unwanted children!
2) Don’t worry about him – he’s ready!
3) Ask him to go some place more private – like your place
You don’t really need to go into anything more than this – the invitation is all that’s necessary.
4) Let him know that you’re ready
If you’re not comfortable just telling him (few women are!), let him know in other ways. Use open body language, get close to him and use physical contact, lay your head on this chest, use eye contact, talk “sex”, etc.
5) Important – give the conversation a break!
This is the most often missed aspect of the first move. If he is politely listening to you and you go on and on without a break – where’s he supposed to jump in? If you’re nervous, this is especially difficult. Just try to be aware of your conversation.
6) There is nothing wrong with you making the first move
You absolutely can put your hands on either side of his face and kiss him. In fact, some men actually wait for this because they don’t know when to make a move themselves. You can even tell him that you’re ready.
7) Feeling bold?
I’ve had many women tell me that they were ready by standing up and stripping for me, or take off their blouse and turn to walk into the bedroom. I mean, how obvious do you need to get? If this doesn’t work for him, you’ve got the wrong guy!
Help him along
This is a strange thing to say, but many women don’t understand that their men might not know what to do – or at least what you like. If you don’t tell him (or subtly show him), how’s he going to know? Believe me, men don’t read minds!
Many people don’t know what to do after the first sexual experience with a new partner. At least the first time, don’t plan to spend the night. Why not? If you do, you’ll probably need your regular things for the morning – toothbrush, deodorant, denture cream, (just kidding!), etc. If you whip out the over-night kit, all of your work making this a spontaneous event will be lost.
Also, don’t just jump up grab your clothes and bolt! Spend some time cuddling or at least telling stories and having a laugh. This doesn’t have to be deep and intimate – just spend some time saying that you enjoyed each other. You might want to grab some dessert out of the fridge, or watch the end of an old movie. Men – if you want an encore performance, this step is critical!
Finally, have fun! This isn’t the end – it’s the beginning!